Her Point of View: Words from Patrice Dozier

I know being married is not easy, it's another job actually but for me it's a wonderful thing. It can be less complicated if you and your spouse work together as a team and stay on the same page about everything at all times. Being married will definitely put you on another level if you are true to your spouse but most importantly the vows that were said before GOD. For me personally, The most important thing that I have learned since being married is not what you say but how you approach your spouse. I have always been so blunt with the, "I'm going to say what i want attitude". You not only have to think of your spouse's feelings but talk to them and not at them. Don't get me wrong it can be very difficult but when you learn how your spouse reacts to certain things or situations, "Don't you think you can make that sacrifice"? You can still say what you want to say, it's all about timing and how you say it. I'm posting this specifically for all the newly weds or vets that are having small problems that can be easily resolved if you do one simple thing, "COMPROMISE". Trust me if you have a REAL MEN like I do all you have to do is first TRUST in the lord, TRUST in your spouse, BE OPEN to compromise, SACRIFICE, ALWAYS keep communication open, and stick together no matter what because YES we do have our families but when it's all said and done your spouse is all you have. 

WORD OF ADVICE FROM MY DAD: YOU LET CARLOS TAKE CARE OF YOU AND YOU TAKE CARE OF HIM AND EVERYTHING WILL BE FINE.         

    

Finding balance between work and home

One of the most difficult yet overlooked issues in the married life is the work schedule. Will your work schedule allow you to spend the amount of time with your spouse that is needed to keep the relationship healthy, or will you two become strangers living in the same household. Most Americans work a very typical eight hour shift, more than likely they leave their homes around eight in the morning and return around five p.m., but what about those people that work third shift, swing shift, or some type of as needed schedule like myself. Lets face it, to live the type of life styles that we all want to live, we have to work right? So how much do we let our jobs and careers intrude into our home lives? When I was single, I worked every hour that was offered to me. I traveled extensively and worked from sun up until sun down, but now that I'm married and have a family, I have to try to find a balance between work and home. At one point I thought the more I work, the money I would make, the better off we would be; financially  that is very true, but time away from your spouse creates an emotional void. Once you become emotionally disconnected from your spouse it's like they would rather you be at work than at home anyway. When I first got married, my main focus was being the bread winner. I had taken on these responsibilities and I knew I needed to keep my end of the bargain.  However, as time went on I could start to see how my work schedule was affecting my home life. My wife was starting to complain or shall I say show concern.

So how can this issue be resolved?  Well my wife suggested we do a weekly date night, so every weekend we pick a spot and just hangout. We keep it simple and low cost, sometimes we don't even spend twenty dollars. During this time we get a chance to relax and enjoy each others company. Adding the date night our schedule was really great idea and I give all the credit to my wife, it's like dating all over again.  I think the date night is something we will continue to do for a while. I would recommend that all you married people out there  implement some type of date night to give you and your spouse some one on one time. It is working great for me.

Are you happy with your spouse?

The vote is in! I posed the question, "Are you happy with your spouse", and 85% of the people that voted said yes and 15% voted maybe, which leaves 0% of the voting public saying no. Those are really great results, thanks to hundreds of you that voted. Please keep an eye out for the next pole, as a matter of fact I could use some info from the you the viewers on what the next pole question should be. So give your feedback and lets see what our Young, Black, and Married people are thinking....

The Five Love Languages: by Dr. Gary Chapman

The Five Love Languages written by Dr. Gary Chapman was a book me and the wife were destine to read. She narrated the book to me word for word so I actually never read it, but I did listen. This book describes how men and women give and receive affection towards each other. Dr. Chapman tells how two people can really love each other, but if they can't communicate that love in a way that the other person can understand it, then its all for null. OK, if you're any thing like me, then this love language stuff has to broken down in understandable terms. Lets start with what he describes the five most popular love languages: 1.words of affirmation 2.acts of services 3.gifts 4.physical contact 5.quality time. He also states that people will typically receive love in the same manner they give it. In other words if you give gifts as an act of love and affection, then your expecting gifts to given in return to show you love and affection. This book goes on to say that you and your spouse don't have to speak the same love languages but you should know and understand what language their are speaking.

In my own opinion, I would have to say this book put me and my wife back in alignment with each other. She is a combination of a number 3 and a number 5, so she is a gift giver and a quality time person. I, on the other hand, am a act of service person, a number 2. It wasn't until these love languages were brought to our attention that we realized some of the mistakes we were making. For example, she would give a very nice greeting card, I would take the card, say thank you, and put the card away. That is what I do when someone gives me a card. She on the other had wants me to put the card on display for every one to see. The truth is that there is nothing wrong with putting the card on display nor is there anything wrong with putting it away, but it makes every thing go a lot smoother between us when we know what to expect from each other. Being that I am a number 2, and I show love through acts of service, I though taking care of my financial and house hold duties was loving enough. So, I would say "The bill are paid, the lawn is cut, can't you see how much I love you". I soon learned that women simply don't love that way, they need more. Men however are very different, we can get a few basic things from a woman and we are good. This book gives a very good break down of some thing we can learn from our spouses, to show them love in the way they can understand it. Read this book, and you might just stay Young, Black. and Married.

Love the man spotlight: Jerome Davis

I would like to take a moment to put a spotlight on a person who has been a true inspiration in my life. I have only know Jerome Davis a short period of time, but the impact and the impression he has left on me is one of great magnitude. I remember first meeting Jerome at a church function, part of his ministry was doing outreach with new members and my name appeared on his list. The very first conversation we had went as if we had know each other for years. I left that conversation thinking " This is not the average deacon, trying to get me to come to church". This guy showed true compassion and concern about the well being of me and my family. Between his family, his work, and his church duties I couldn't even see how he had the time to answer the phone when I called, but he picks up every time. If you ever meet Jerome or " Dec ", that's what I call him, you would say his smiling face is the first thing you saw. He has been a mentor, a c councilor , but most of all a friend.

To my friend Darrell Jerome Davis,  this spotlight is for you "Get Your Shine On" !!!

Not The Man I Use To Be....

So, as the story goes, I got married. It was a beautiful ceremony. For those of you that missed it, you can check out the pictures at www.facebook.com/ippidon . When I decided to take my relationship to the next level, I knew some changes had to be made. At that time I couldn't say exactly what those changes would be, but I knew my frequent visits to the club would more that likely have to stop. See, before October of 2008, when I made Salt Lake City Utah my home, I was a resident of the great city of Atlanta Georgia, "ATL shorty" you know how they say it. The majority of my time in Atlanta was spent doing what Young Black Singles do, but this isn't Atlanta and I'm not single. So I noticed my self trying to find a perfect balance between the man I was and the man I would have to become to make this marriage work. But I'm new to the married life, how do I know what's acceptable and what's not. I mean, I know some of the very obvious things that wouldn't fly, like clubbing every weekend, and random lady friends calling my phone, but what about the other things. When I say the other things, I'm talking about the things that make us who we are. The way we dress, the way we wear our hair, how we laugh, you know stuff like that.  So what do you say when your wife or husband says " That's what your wearing"? Well when I was asked that question, my answer was "Yea, if you don't like it, you can stay at home and I'll go see this movie alone". I felt really manly about the answer I gave, but after thinking about it and receiving the silent treatment for the duration of the movie, I realized that maybe that was not such a good answer after all. The idea of marriage is two people joining together to make one unit, but human nature and society tells us to "Be your self and don't change". So after all those years of being me and doing me, now all of a sudden I have to do us and be us. Can you see how this gets complicated?

Have you ever heard the saying  " There is no progress with out change" , well, the same rules apply to marriage. If I intended to be the same man I was five years ago, then I probably should have stayed single. The changes that I have made over the past year did not compromise the man I was, there actually helping me become the man I want to be. Young, Black, and Married....

I got Married Y'all ! !

First off I would like to congratulate my-self for doing the unthinkable, the unimaginable, the almost impossible, I got married y'all!! So self ,Congratulations. Wow!  That was one hell of an intro, but being married is nothing, and I repeat; nothing like I thought it would be. So how did you think it would be?  Well my thoughts on marriage were very misconstrued from the beginning of time, or shall I say from the beginning of my time. To get a clear understanding of my thoughts on marriage, we must travel back to the late 80's. Yes I think it was around 1989 when I first asked my mother " Why aren't you and daddy married" the response I got was "Go ask your daddy".  So I go into the back yard, where I could usually find him in his wood shop, creating things and drinking beer, but mostly drinking beer, and I ask the very same question " Why aren't you and mom married" and with a slight dip of the eyebrow he replied "Go as your mother". It was at this point that I realized  the answer to this question would be a very slippery one; one that I may never get a direct answer to.

So now you can see why I may have had some preconceived thoughts about the institution of marriage. As a young man, how could I have learned to be a husband, if I was never exposed to a person that was a husband? Dad, (hint-hint) Of course I had aunts and uncles that were married, but I'm talking about a more personal influence, like your parents, you know the people you live with, the ones that are suppose to teach you these things.  Now before I go to into to much detail about my parents not being married, I would like say "Thanks Joe" (that's my father) because he was there every day of my life teaching me every thing about life as he knew it, but how can you teach something that you don't know.

Now as we all know, the things we don't learn from home we learn from friends, TV, movies and other unreliable sources. A common term for this is called "Learning on the Streets" and its basically the stuff that young adults kinda have to figure out for themselves, but it is just certain things you don't leave hanging in the balance, you know like telling your kids to brush your teeth, change your under ware and oh yea let me tell your little bit about being married. This is the type of stuff we should be talking to our children about, but that neither here nor there. OK back to the story, so growing from a child and seeing my parents and the majority of my family unmarried, to a young adult and seeing so many of  my close friends going through very bad marriages, being married was never in the plan for me. But oh how quickly things can change.

Now lets jump to February 12, 2011 3 o'clock p.m., a warm day for February in Utah, 57 degrees if I remember correctly, and if you ever been to Utah in the winter, then you know exactly what I'm talking about. The stage is set, the church is filled with flowers, the guest are seated and waiting. I was a nervous wreck, trying to play it cool, but every one could see the look of nervousness on my face through my lightly tinted eye glasses. The music is playing softly in the background, but all I can hear is the butterfly's in my stomach. "Lord am I doing the right thing? Is this your next step for my life?" these are some of the questions floating in my head, as I stand next to my  groom's men. My buddy Louis keeps asking "You OK big dog"  I reply "I'm good" in a very soft, unsure voice.  The moment of truth arrives and I can see by beautiful bride to be, being escorted down the isle by my soon to be father in-law. I thought to my self , "It's now or never, run or be Married". So guess what? I Got Married Y'all !!!!

The events stated above are the true and actual events of the Young, Black, and Married.